Every Step
by Pessimistic Dreamer
Summary: Shoujoai. It's been a while since Rikku and Paine split up, but on the day of the biggest Blitzball tournament in Spira, can they resist searching for a way to be together again?


Every Step

Everything is temporary, even the things I wish could last longer. Now one of the happiest, if most transient chapters in my life closed, and all I can think of is trying to forcefully open the book again.

It's not my fault I can't forget her. Everywhere I look, Al Bhed mingle with the other races, and they always have to talk in their code and laugh louder than anyone else in the street. Seems like every city in Spira has an Al Bhed outpost, and if I linger around them wondering if she's there, then it's just because I swear everywhere I go, I see the long flash of yellow hair that distinguishes Rikku from all the women of her race, who all have the sense to keep their locks closely trimmed.

I don't miss her at all; I just don't remember what it was that made us split away in the first place. Or precisely, I remember perfectly, but it seems so small in comparison to what I left behind. More than a friend, more than a lover, Rikku was my companion who made life on the road worth living, and the adventuring alone no longer holds my interest.

No, I'm not missing her at all. I just want her back by my side.

She distracts me through her absence to the point where I could concentrate better if she were in the background singing her obnoxiously catchy pop tunes and interrupting my thoughts every other word to interject her own ideas. Even her presence in my bed, endlessly tossing and turning is preferable to the core of loneliness that won't let me sleep no matter the stillness.

Today is opening day of the Blitzball season, and that means everyone in Spira who can is crowded in Luca. The crowds of people line the paths to the stadium, and lines form everywhere to get into the most popular sports bars. Over the din, I hear laughter, female laughter, coming from the center of the crowd.

Is it hers?

I fight against the flow of bodies that mingle around the square, for maybe one look at her. If I could see her and call her name and wave to her, I could find out if the infinitely more adaptable Rikku has the same troubles I do. I hope for an opening to overcome my pride and take her back to my arms where she belongs, and where I belong holding her.

But even as I ride the rising swell of feelings, reality crashes back down as I realize that she, if she had really been there, slipped away again, as ethereal as a pyrefly figure. Quickly, I divert my course back to the stadium so no one can tell how distracted I'd been for just a second.

The game of the century would start soon.

* * *

Never in my life did I ever spend so much time just getting ready for an event as I did for today's Blitzball Tournament. Even with my love pretty things, it never seemed important what I wore because no matter what she thought I was beautiful. Never did I have to rely on anything but direct words to tell Paine something. 

Now though, I know she's going to be there, as a guest of Praetor Baralai, just as I'm a special guest of Yunie and her husband, and I hope that she'll see me, even though I think I'd run if I saw her approach me. So what I need to tell her, I need to say from a distance.

I love you. I miss you. I keep you in my heart, even if I'll never be in your arms again.

A dress falls almost haphazardly from my suitcase, one that I hardly remember packing. It's just a dress, except that Paine bought it for me a few months before we ended our association with each other. It's a pretty little frilly dress, something that she'd never bring herself to wear, but one that she liked, really liked, seeing me in, and one that she enjoyed taking off even more. Not that I ever objected.

Even after several washings it still smells like her own unique Paine scent, a little musky, with a hint of the flower-spicy scent she wears on special occasions. I flip it over my head, suddenly needing that smell lingering near my nose. Silver hairpins, another gift from Paine, add to the assortment of trinkets keeping my hair in order. No one can see them, certainly not her from wherever she's sitting in the stadium, but if I talk to her, or we somehow find ourselves close again, I want her to know that I still constantly think of her.

Constantly.

Gippal and Yunie are friends, but for a long time, Paine's been the only one I've wanted with me romantically. Too bad I never told her that, and now I wish I had.

A glimpse at the clock and the sphere screen reminds me that I need to leave and soon if I want to see Yunie's husband make his debut as the new captain of the Besaid Aurochs, and the rush of the stadium on opening day always brings me back to my usual excitement levels, even if I'm otherwise down.

That promise of excitement there, I rush from my room and down the hall, pausing only when I swear I found glimpses a silver-headed beauty in the crowd, which is a lot more often than someone would expect considering that she's probably the only woman in Spira with her exact coloring and her sense of style.

At least my phantom Paine heads towards the stadium, or else I'd have never made it to the game until they were handing out the Spira Cup to the winning team.

Once I'm past the ticket gate and the jealous glare of the people who wish they were getting as nice of seats as I have, I lose sight of her. Part of me is tempted to find my way to Baralai's box and spy on her, but besides that requiring me to confront Paine, I think I'd get lost in the back corridors if all I did was follow a shadow.

So I'm a good Rikku and go to my own seat, reluctantly. Yunie smiles at me as I take my place, and I smile back, although my heart doesn't really feel it through this haze of getting by.

I just want the world to start moving again.

* * *

Everyone raved about the views from the boxed seats, and now sitting in the comfortable luxury of Baralai's private box, I understood why. Thoughts of Rikku were momentarily erased as I saw the action of the stadium from high above the crowds. 

The watery globe filled the majority of my vision, and my eye level was maybe about two thirds of the way up from the center. I could see the players like insects scurrying to their position. Yuna's husband took his position as right offense, and the Ronso took their time getting into position before the first whistle blew.

Even with the singular cheer that when through the crowd, excitement escaped my grasp. I felt like a machina, more so than usual. I knew Rikku was here somewhere among these folks, but my could never quite catch her. The Al Bhed cheering section had it's share of the machine users, but none of them even remotely resembled her, especially not where I saw the more prominent Al Bhed: Gippal, Nhadala, Rin, and even Cid sitting around. Nor was she lower in the crowd where Brother's tattoos distinguished him from the rest of his race. He and Buddy were still enjoying the game though, hollering as the Besaid team scored their first goal.

"They're not bad." Baralai's quiet assessment shook me from my scan of the crowd. "I always heard that the Besaid team came in last every year, they're disappointing me."

"They usually do. He's really turned it around. I think his talent inspires the others to do well." I'm sure it sounded thoughtful to those people who never quite listen, but to me, and probably Baralai, who knows me better than he should, the words seemed automatic.

If he caught on, he refrained from saying anything that moment. He just nodded. "Perhaps. It's a shame that Yuna wouldn't let him play for the Saints." He smiled slightly at mention of Bevelle's new Blitzball team, and presumably the way it helped Bevelle and his organization run more smoothly.

"Perhaps." I allow, as I continue scanning the crowd. Over on the other side of the stadium, a mixed group of Crusaders stood cheering for any one of their home teams. Nooj and his fiancée Leblanc presided over them all. I could imagine Nooj, even with his carefully guarded wearniess, smiling slightly at his sweetheart's exuberance, and jealously moved over me again.

No, I knew where Rikku was, with Yuna, and Lulu and Wakka in Yuna's own private seats. Water from the sphere distorted my view, and her view of me, and yet I think we both saw each other...

"Paine..." For a second it sounded like her voice to my desperate ears, but it was Baralai catching me off guard.

"Hmm." I stalled for time, trying to rebuild my mental defenses before something like her could happen again and tear them down.

"Please forgive my directness, but is there something going on between you and Rikku?"

The defensive wall broke down, and while my face retained it's facade of apathy as it had so for so many years, inside I felt a sting of sadness that threatened to break it.

"Nothing in particular." I scrambled for something, anything that would make that statement seem true.

Silence descended again, as we both pretended to catch the action. The Ronso had just scored, proving that no game this day would be an easy win for anybody. Baralai seemed to acquiesce to my I-don't-want-to-talk-about-it-vibe, but no one becomes leader of an entire faction these days by yielding to a little bad attitude, even from a friend.

"I'm just concerned. I know that Rikku and you were good friends for a while, and then suddenly...I worry about you sometimes."

"Friends doesn't even begin to describe what she was to me." I allow him that little information. If his sharp mind can deduce that, then maybe, maybe he could guide me to where I knew the answer lie.

"I had a feeling. It's not easy being where you are. Trust me." I turned to his serious face then, startled more by the softness of the tone in his voice than the same placid look on his face that he always carried. We shared that similarity, which formed the bond of our friendship long ago in the Crimson Squad.

"You speak like you know from experience."

"Not so much experience, maybe. Mainly observation. I see a lot of people Paine, and I know when they're happy and when they're not. You...you seemed so much happier with Rikku with you. I don't know what called your falling out, but perhaps it would be better to repair it."

There it was: someone else telling me what I already needed to hear. "If Rikku were willing, I'd be more than happy to mend things. But I don't know if she'd welcome me back, or close herself off to me."

Baralai nodded, "There's always that uncertainty. I just have a feeling though, that if Rikku knew how you felt, she'd come back to you. I admit that I don't know her very well; she just doesn't seem like the type who would hold a grudge."

"No," I said, my mind gradually gathering courage, "she wouldn't hold a grudge. I just hope she hasn't forgotten me."

"I don't think she has. Go find her."

* * *

Joy always followed Yunie and her fellow Besaid Islanders everywhere she went, so when I want to pretend to be happy, that's where I go. Like I'm sure Gippal and the other Al Bhed would be glad to welcome me, but with Yunie cheering on her favorite blitz player, and Wakka caught between cheering his former teammates on and worrying about Lulu and whether so much excitement is good for her and the child she's expecting, and of course little Vidina who's enjoying every moment watching the game from his Dad's shoulders. 

It's a mess of happy that I wish I could take part in. Sure I shout whenever someone on the Aurochs scores a goal, and I certainly feel hoarse from all the cheering I've done so far today. My eyes just aren't on the game. Instead, they automatically focus through the water to the place on the other side. I know it's impossible to see her face from so far away, but is it wrong for me to envision her longing for me?

I don't think so, so I'm going to keep my hopes up. Because no one would ever dare tell me not too.

With the pretense of watching the game closer, I take out a pair of binoculars and scan the stadium, paying particular attention to the bored looking women on the far end of the stadium. She exchanges words with Baralai, one that I can't ever know, but then I'm lost when I think of hearing her voice again.

"Hey Rikku! Let me see those." Wakka calls me out of the daze. "I wanna show Vidina something!"

"Not now, I'm using them." I push aside the voice to take one last lingering look at her before pretending to watch the game again.

Not that I actually get the change to pretend, as Wakka sweeps the binoculars out of my hands with one quick grab. "Not like you were watching the game anyway. What's so interesting that you can't watch the game of the century, eh?"

I try being ladylike and biting my tongue, but ladylike isn't Rikku, so I have to be open. "It's not the game of the century until the Psyches start playing. I was just seeing if there was anything more interesting to watch."

"Interesting? Something more interesting than Blitz. You gotta be kidding me."

"Well," I said, goaded by his reactions, "I saw a seagull carrying away a candy wrapper. I guess that's more interesting."

From behind me, I could hear Yunie and Lulu whispering, and finally Lulu standing up and demanding the binoculars from her errant husband. The meekness of his expression as he handed my prize over made me smile, just a little bit, as she looked through them.

"Well, that candy wrapper is shiny," she said, completely deadpan, but then she focuses where I had been. "That's interesting." That one statement was all she said before handing me back the glasses.

"What?" Wakka and I ask the same thing at the same time, making me wonder why I seemed to share so much in common with someone so annoying.

"Well, it seems like Baralai and Paine are sitting right across from us." My face heats up as Lulu hit the heart of the matter.

Wakka might miss a lot of subtleties, but the blush on my face as I got caught in my observation of a certain someone didn't escape him.

"Oh ho! Now we're getting somewhere! You gotta thing for Baralai, don't you! Why didn't you say so!" Okay, so maybe I was wrong, and the significance completely went over his head. But hey, if it keeps him from prying about what was really getting me, then it'd be okay.

"I don't have a thing for Baralai! He's not my type!" He wasn't. If I went for a guy it'd be someone more easygoing than the New Yevon Praetor.

Wakka snorted, and Vidina imitated his father, "You lie. I know what's going on! You wanna pine after the Praetor! Well not during Blitz, young lady!"

We went back and forth for a while, until Lulu stepped in. "Wakka, don't you think this type of bickering is maybe bad for the child. And Rikku, would you mind going on an errand for me?"

Even as she phrased it as a request, I had a feeling that she'd somehow force me to go, so I nodded. "Could you buy me a snack? Something chocolaty preferably. I think this one already has a sweet tooth."

"Sure thing."

Lulu put the gil in my hand, and whispered in my ear as I left, "No hurry really. I just think you might one to take this opportunity and see what's going on in the other side of the stadium."

"Yeah! Take your time Rikku! You might just find a cute guy or something! Wouldn't the be great, eh? Just make it back in time for the finals."

I forced a grin as I waved to all of them. "Yeah...great..." Quickly as I could, I rush out of the box and down into the back hallways of the stadium. Although I did linger long enough to hear the dreaded words from Lulu to Wakka.

"I think there's something you need to know..."

* * *

The stark corridors of the stadium never seemed as imposing as they did now. Never mind that I had navigated this same place under more hostile conditions, but that little mission never seemed nearly as important as this. A garment grid, or a chance to maybe find happiness? Is there even a contest. 

No guards stopped me, and if any tried, I'd have likely been arrested for murder within minutes. The main problem, the lack of actual logic in the building architecture, served as foil enough without the extra attention of people wondering if I'm supposed to be here.

In any case, I try to keep my profile low, even if my voice wants to call out her name. No one is around, and even my keen ears can't pick up any footsteps but my own, and Rikku has never been the quietest of walkers, even with the whole thief profession and all. Certainly, if she saw me alone, she'd call out.

Wouldn't she?

Nerves consume me as I make my way to the front entrance of the stadium, and to the other side where I know Rikku will be. No matter how much I try to tell myself that there's not point in being nervous, the butterflies rise to my stomach, and even I, with my courage, have to consider turning back and acknowledging that what I had for those two years means more to me now than any amount of gil, or any treasure I could dig up.

A flash of movement stops me in my tracks, and causes me to emerge from this pool of doubt. I recognize that shuffling form, as the one that Rikku uses when she's feeling down. I never saw it often, but when I did, the urge to take her into my arms couldn't be resisted.

Just like I almost couldn't resist it now. She wasn't mine anymore, I had to tell myself, if she had ever been mine to begin with. Maybe she was with someone else, and was simply there to meet whoever that person is.

Still, if I could control the urge to run to her, I couldn't resist the need to call her name.

"Rikku!"

A moment, two, three, and she didn't turn, although she did stop in her tracks and perk up.

"Rikku!" I tried again, letting just a little bit of my desperation show through, if that would have made a difference.

Her blond hair moved in time with her body as she faced me. The expression in her eyes, a little mad, a little sad, and a bit uncertain, and the way she bit her lips proved that she had the same conflicting desires as me. Or at least some conflicting desires.

Finally, those lips move and although the tone sounds strangled, the word is clear enough.

"Paine!"

* * *

Oh god...she was right there, not even fifteen feet away from me, standing there, looking as beautiful as ever. Her arms were down at her side, the same as being wide open for her. 

If it weren't for the weariness that she carried herself with, I'd have said she was the same old Paine, but she seemed tired now, and I just wanted to cheer her up.

"Paine!" I shouted again, this time launching myself towards her. Her eyes widened in shock, and then a beautiful slow smile crossed her face for just a moment. For that same second, we embraced, just absorbing the feeling of togetherness we had grown so accustomed too, but then reality had to return and remind us that we are no longer together.

For now. I had to admit though, this whole thing was a pretty good sign that we could reunite.

We could.

I'd certainly be willing to, but I wasn't the only not the only one here, now was I?

"Rikku, I-- I--" I couldn't believe that I was hearing her stutter. "I missed you," she whispered that confession.

"Yeah, me too." I said, "I mean..." I felt a blush rising on my face, "I missed you to. I don't even remember what we fought about."

"I do, but it doesn't matter now. Rikku, are you willing to be with me? Like really be with me." She held out her hand, so beautiful and inviting, and so tempting, but something holds me back, a nagging question that we have to ask.

"What...what was our fight about?"

Paine looked uncomfortable. "Whether we should tell people about us or not."

I remembered now, a little bit about the fights that drove us apart. My pop, the old-fashioned old man that he was, had certain ideas about how his children should grow up, and now that Brother had totally destroyed Pop's illusions for him, he turned his attentions onto me. Overnight, what had been an nice life with Paine turned into a massive headache to keep from Pops.

Part of the fun and peace in our life came from the privacy that Paine so cherished. We enjoyed each other in private, and kept the pretense of being friends whenever people were around, and it worked for long enough, but now with people intentionally trying to run our lives, the special part of our friendship, the private part, could no longer flourish.

I remembered fights, and sometimes being so scared that we'd end up duking it out like two fiends over a chocobo. And I remembered us agreeing that it'd be best to go our separate ways. And we did. I joined the branch of the Machine Faction geared towards modernizing Besaid, and Paine started working on becoming an independent reporter for the new Spira Comm Network. A few people remarked about the end of our friendship, but no one seemed to see that we had lost so much more.

"I remember now. I think...I think I'd take you no matter who knows about us. I just want you back." All hesitation aside, I took her hand.

"You mean that?" She asked, a gracefully arched eyebrow raising.

"Umm...yeah."

She grinned, an evil grin that excited me to my toes. "Good. Because I think after this, we'd have a heck of a time keeping our love a secret."

And that was all the warning she gave me before bending down and brushing her lips to mine and setting her hands on my hips. One, two, three, four times. I lost count after that, as I linked my hands around the back of her neck and kissed her back with all the fervor.

The sounds of people exiting the stadium for the break between games registered in my mind a vague background music to the moment that she and I shared.

When we broke apart, I could sense a few people around us staring, but all I really saw was her.

And that's what really mattered.

* * *

To be continued (maybe)  



End file.
